I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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