??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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