epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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