Sober January is a disaster.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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