Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize