Only a mothe r could love this liver
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
