Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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