I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
