What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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