You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we have officially lost it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize