my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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