listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
