Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
