I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
