i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
