I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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