she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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