He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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