Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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