Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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