never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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