If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
