i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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