i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
