How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
a search helicopter?!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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