At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
