Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
