My hand turned me down
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
