Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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