i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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