She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
