shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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