We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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