My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
