a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize