Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
organizing the empties. That sober.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
