I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
