So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
