It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
