I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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