we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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