you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize