Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
