Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
