I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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