The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
