Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
