You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
