9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
