dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
