Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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