Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
