This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
