Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck appropriateness.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
