dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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