i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
