planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
