i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
